What to do

I don't know what to do with this blog. Google took away my ability to buy its domain, so I'm back to a blogspot address. And I'm getting tired of people thinking they know about my and my family's life while taking no real active interest in it simply because they read about something in it online. Add to it that I'm truly not loving putting everything about myself and my family out there any longer, and it just leaves me in limbo.

Could I write about sitting alone in that cold waiting room in a scratchy gown open to the front while a too loud House Flippers was on TV as I blankly flipped through a Christmas issue of Good Housekeeping while I waited to find out if my callback mammogram was the ultimate in horrible news? (It ended up being nothing) Yes. But, I don't really feel like it.

Could I describe the agony of seeing my kid endure a painful elbow injury these last few weeks and have him knowingly lie to us about how bad it is just because he wants to wrestle? Yes. But now that he's 12, I feel like it betrays him in some really personal way.

Could I talk about explaining to a surgeon that he shouldn't compare shooting those painkillers into my vertebra to a beesting, because I'm fairly familiar with beestings, and this was definitely not as good? Could I lament about chronic pain and how it takes absolutely everything within me to not sink to the lowest depths that it wants me to? Yes. But who wants to hear about that?

Could I write funny anecdotes about my kid having a phone for 2 days before he broke it? How the child finished his Regionals tournament in 4th place and promptly took down a 16 ounce steak immediately after, much to the disbelief of the waitstaff? About all the funny jokes we tell and laughs we share? Yes. But they're starting to feel too personal these days.

So I don't know what to do with this space. Maybe it's just time to move on and leave it as the history it is. Maybe I just need a break before finding a voice again.

What I do know is it's baseball season. And Spring is here. And that  makes me happy.

Another week in the life

Last weekend, C-man had a middle school quad on Saturday and tournament on Sunday. He hadn't wrestled or really practiced for 2 weeks because of this elbow, and it was still really hurting. He made it through, but barely. The third period of the last match was excruciating - for him and me.

Because of Sunday, we pulled him from the Tuesday dual and Saturday's conference tournament. He is so upset and angry. But I can't justify letting him wrestle and hurting himself further, especially when there are team points on the line. And this way, he's got another week to try to heal before Regionals, which is his opportunity to try to get to State. I think he's slowly coming to terms with that reality, but certainly doesn't like it.

Personally, I've been having a really hard time with this season. C-man loves it so much - the most of all his sports, and it has taught him so many great things. But the physical portion of it, the intensity of coaches, the constant gruel of it, the disappointment when someone loses, the tears, and (of course) the injuries - have all worn on me this year and I'm having a really hard time seeing why we shouldn't just call it quits. But, as I constantly remind myself, it isn't at all about me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to smile really big when it's baseball season again.

FYI - I painted this podium this year.

Knock, knock - is anyone still out there?

• Google has done this dumb thing where they make you register with G Suite to renew your domain. Since I didn't register, I don't know my username and password, so can't re-up it. So, so dumb. So I'm back to a blogspot.com address, and congrats for finding me!
• Last weekend was all wrestling, but not for C-man. But C-man had a total blast.
• Speaking of C-man, his elbow is still sprained. He's got 2 tournaments this weekend, and then next weekend is conference, and the weekend after Regionals. He's going to have to play through quite a bit of pain these coming weeks, because he's out of time for it to heal. I am thankful he's had the two week window without tournaments, though. Hopefully that helps things.
• There was no coffee in the house this morning. I'd call it a first world problem, except even in third world countries they have great coffee. It was a crisis.
• My back is holding up fairly well since it got all shot up with drugs last week. The doctor was quite hopeful this would be a one-time thing. It's hard to have that much hope, but that would be wonderful.
• Which isn't to say I'm pain-free. I still have all the arthritis nonsense, fused L4 and L5, and leg pain. But man, getting rid of that glaringly painful one is a delight.
• It's only Wednesday and I'm already tired of this week. Sigh.