Basebally

It's that basebally time of year again. Which I adore. And even better is I've really started to embrace not working. It was a weird bit of a transition, waking up with that "What am I going to do now?" kind of panic. But besides an occasional twinge of that, I'm finding I really enjoy just being. That it's summertime doesn't seem to hurt that either. And so, we are just being us. And I love that.

Gratitude

It's been one of those non-stop rain days. One of those days when there's no denying the impact arthritis has on my life. But today, I'm grateful. Because I did not have to get up with the sun to feed the dog, get myself ready in some presentable clothes that didn't send my skin aching further, and head out for an entire day of pretending to not be in complete agony. I didn't have to put a forced grin on my face, that I know in reality is more of a grimace than anything resembling a grin. I didn't have to try to listen intently to something inane I didn't care about over this noisy pain. I didn't HAVE to do anything at all.

Instead, I slept a bit longer than usual. I hugged my dog a little bit more. And while I puttered around the house getting some of the usual cleaning stuff done, I didn't feel bad about watching two Longmire episodes instead of just that laundry folding one. And so, I know I need to head out to get a birthday gift and a Bar Mitzvah card for C-man's busy life, it doesn't feel overwhelming.

So, so grateful. And so thankful for this time. It really is healing me in so many ways.

The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything

Forty-two. So I'm turning forty-two tomorrow. I haven't been around this blog for quite a while. I guess it's because I'd found myself in a bit of a bad place during my 41. But as I turn left around the sun for another spin, it feels like I'm launching out of that downward spiral, and am instead rocketing toward some pretty significant happiness.

I suppose that means I'm saying things are different these days. In a really positive way. A giant difference is that I'm not working anymore. It's a long story, as these things tend to be. But let's suffice it to say that I just couldn't do it anymore. And what should have been so scary, leaping out into the abyss with my safety net, was really such a relief. It's been a giant exhalation of all that was bad to not have to pretend to successfully manage a professional life and living with arthritis at the same time. Because no matter how hard I wanted to deny it, the lack of sleep, the constant pain, and the having to deal with acting as if it didn't exist was just too much to handle. So now, C-man loves his daily meet-ups at recess with Beasley and me as we pass by on one of our delightful walks, Beasley loves his cuddle naps from 2-3 pm each day, and my house has never had less clutter and been more freshly painted. And I don't have to hear anyone discuss leveraging, optimizing, or actualizing a damn thing.

So what now? That's often the question one has in these uncertain times. What am I going to do next? Except right now, I don't feel that incredible pressure to be something, and to have a response to that ridiculous, "What do you do?" question. (I've never quite understood how my employer's job description of me is who I am, by the way. As if out of all the options in life, how I pay my mortgage is the most critical component of the essence of me.) In short, I guess I don't know the answer to what now. Except that I'm finding happiness and gratitude again, and a really peaceful feeling that I'm sure it'll all be okay. It's been amazing to finally be able to feel however I feel at that moment without pretending the pain and brain fog that arthritis brings isn't real. And I'm finding an incredible gratitude in having a safety net and support system to help me through it all. People who are truly there in the moment when it's been needed most. And those who haven't, well, that's been enlightening, too. But I suppose that's a subject for another post on another day.

So 42 is coming. According to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. (Thanks, Boy Scout camp counselors for making me watch that at least a half a dozen times in the summer of 1999. I didn't realize it'd mean so much 19 years later...) And it just might be true.

Here's to 42 and all of it's glorious uncertainty ahead.

Falling in

Baseball is over. Camps are complete. The locker is stuffed and organized. C-man stepped in an angry ground yellow jacket's nest. (He got about a dozen or so stings, and he reacted much like I do, not like his Dad does, thankfully. At least he got that part of me?) And the second football scrimmage is tonight. I don't care what the calendar says, it's officially Fall. And time continues to march on.

Forty-one

Today's my birthday. I'm 41.

My house is a total mess. My inbox is overflowing. And at about 10 a.m. I realized I'd forgotten to brush my teeth.

You know how when you're a kid you think grown ups know what they're doing? Yeah. Not so much.

So every year I have goals and aspirations. This year's goal is more of a direction - happiness. I can do this.

Baseball everyday

The Nationals won in dramatic fashion in the bottom of the 6th last night. Tonight, they are back at it again. Go Nats!

Flim and Flam

• It's Hump Day. Or more importantly... Almost Birthday.
• C-man and Beerman have a game tonight. It's cold and windy. I'll be dressing like it's winter so I don't shiver my way through it.
• Saturday is our annual game at Helfaer field. I'm organizing everything again. But it's been like pulling teeth to get parents to respond with their kids' walkup songs. Honestly, how hard is it to respond to an email? It's not like you have to do anything else all year! Argh.
• I've been researching places to go on a trip next year. Right now I'm kind of leaning Kenya. Then again, that could change four times before we actually make any real plans.
• I also want to get us dive certified this summer. Since C-man isn't in any casts yet, I should get on that.
• The pain killer shots I got in my spine back in February seem to be wearing off. That's really a drag. The doctor was hopeful it'd be enough to move the inflammation out for good. Guess not.
• I think C-man's cold is finally breaking up a bit. He slept better last night and has been coughing less. Of course, then he gets to spend the night playing baseball in the elements. One step forward...
• Have I mentioned it's Almost Birthday?

He's a Boy of Summer Again

Yesterday was the Nationals first day back on the field. It was cold and windy, and it totally miserable. And despite C-man saying he was sad it's baseball and not wrestling season, and Beerman being nervous as the head coach, I was thrilled. I had no fear that he'd get his face ground into the mat, and knew I'd be watching two of my favorites in one of my favorite sports. So awesome.

C-man went 1-1 in the stats sheet, since the second at bat he got hit with a wild pitch. And he caught quite a bit of the game, which is his favorite. The Nats lost, but there's some decent potential there for the future, which makes me happy. Ahhh... baseball.

Throwing it back

The thing about chronic pain...

The thing about chronic pain is, well, it's chronic. It never goes away. It's always there, like a dark, lingering force fighting you from the inside day and night. And it never gets tired. But that doesn't mean I don't. Quite the opposite, really, because I'm in a constant state of exhaustion. I have good days and bad days. But don't ever confuse that with painful and not painful days. They're all painful. No, I think the better term for it would be functioning and not-functioning. Because that's what it really is - days I can fake it, and days I just can't.

On my good days, I'm able to move and think more clearly and focus on the task at hand for periods of time. But that doesn't mean I'm not struggling. Because even on those good days, I am thinking about my posture and facial expression as I talk to you. 'Don't let it look like you're unhappy', 'Make sure to smile and nod a little', 'Try to look interested and don't betray that you really have to move or you're going to scream out in pain' are regular internal monologues. And all that internal battle, that constant fighting what's real and what people expect, is absolutely exhausting. Especially when what people expect is for you to be still and quiet and attentive for long periods of time. But in addition to being exhausting, it's painful. So painful, that by the end of the day, when I collapse into bed, there is no sweet relief of sleep, because sleep cannot come. I hurt too much, you see, for my body to ever hit that restful state.

And on my bad days, well, it's just worse.

Explaining this doesn't change anything. And really, it doesn't make me feel any better. So I'm not sure why I feel compelled to talk about it today. I think maybe it's because, despite my swollen, red hands, today might be one of those rare functioning days. Something I haven't experienced for a while.

But the sun is shining. And Spring is here. And my coffee is hot. And for that, I'll be thankful.

So it's Tuesday

That's a wrap

• Last night was the official end of the wrestling season with the wrap-up banquet.
• The coach went out of his way and said a lot of really kind words about C-man with him standing up there all by himself. It's always nice when your kid is well liked.
• The coach and parents also went way out of their way to recognize me with some gift cards to local restaurants. It was simultaneously very thoughtful and sort of embarrassing. But still very thoughtful.
• I got some antibiotics from a 12 year old doctor (only a slight exaggeration) who tried to teach me about the neti pot yesterday. I smiled and listened intently, while thinking, "Just give me the prescription!" the entire time.
• My back muscles hurt from coughing so much. So that advice to wait 2 days before taking the drugs... yeah, not so much. I've been using the neti pot and the Mucinex because I don't like the antibiotics. But they just aren't doing it. It's time for the big guns.
• It's supposed to be quite lovely weather-wise this weekend. Maybe I'll get some Vitamin D and take some photos. Although things are still greenish-brown. Maybe some lake shots will help soothe the soul. The lake is always an interesting blue.
• The president of the baseball league has asked me to run the league's social media stuff. I agreed and put some stuff up on Instagram. But now he's hounding me to do more with Facebook. Sheesh. Let me get through wrestling season first! But it's all good. I feel like it's something I'm good at and can contribute with.
• I've got a new platform bed that I need to assemble. It's been sitting in my hallway all week. I suppose I could get on that.
• TGIF.

In the background

Wrestling season is over, and we're on to baseball now. 3 weeks until the first game on to baseball, in fact. Which means that it's that glorious time when we get a tiny little break between the hustle and the crazy. We've even had this week off to decompress on Spring Break. And while we didn't go anywhere, and I've been totally sick with the hacks and wheezes, it's been so good. Because t was all getting to be too much, too overwhelming, just too everything. So despite work trying to shame me into doing some things on vacation (seriously - just no), I backed all the way away. And I've gotten a chance to just think and be and not worry.

And in doing so, I've realized that I've been really trying to notice things in the background lately. Not all the headlines and major news stories and Facebook posts (Honestly, we get it. 45 is beyond abysmal. Just knock it off already!) and loud people, but what's going on behind that. And that's where I've been finding the most interesting stuff that makes me smile.

Take this photo, for instance. The 170 lb kid had just pinned for the win. And in doing so, he secured the wrestling team's conference win. Usually, I'd wait for the kid's reaction and arm to be raised. But this day, I pointed toward the background - where the team was going nuts, two coaches high-fiving, my husband's arm going up in the pin signal, another coach doing the hulk arms, and the head coach leaping up-up-up in the air. And it makes me smile every single time I look at it.

So it's what I'm trying to do now - peel back the curtain a bit and notice what's going on behind the big show. Because I can't continue to get wrapped up in the day-to-day swirl. It was taking me to a stressed out place where I just couldn't deal with it all. But consciously slowing down to notice the details - I think that may be where it's at for me to find my happiness again.

What to do

I don't know what to do with this blog. Google took away my ability to buy its domain, so I'm back to a blogspot address. And I'm getting tired of people thinking they know about my and my family's life while taking no real active interest in it simply because they read about something in it online. Add to it that I'm truly not loving putting everything about myself and my family out there any longer, and it just leaves me in limbo.

Could I write about sitting alone in that cold waiting room in a scratchy gown open to the front while a too loud House Flippers was on TV as I blankly flipped through a Christmas issue of Good Housekeeping while I waited to find out if my callback mammogram was the ultimate in horrible news? (It ended up being nothing) Yes. But, I don't really feel like it.

Could I describe the agony of seeing my kid endure a painful elbow injury these last few weeks and have him knowingly lie to us about how bad it is just because he wants to wrestle? Yes. But now that he's 12, I feel like it betrays him in some really personal way.

Could I talk about explaining to a surgeon that he shouldn't compare shooting those painkillers into my vertebra to a beesting, because I'm fairly familiar with beestings, and this was definitely not as good? Could I lament about chronic pain and how it takes absolutely everything within me to not sink to the lowest depths that it wants me to? Yes. But who wants to hear about that?

Could I write funny anecdotes about my kid having a phone for 2 days before he broke it? How the child finished his Regionals tournament in 4th place and promptly took down a 16 ounce steak immediately after, much to the disbelief of the waitstaff? About all the funny jokes we tell and laughs we share? Yes. But they're starting to feel too personal these days.

So I don't know what to do with this space. Maybe it's just time to move on and leave it as the history it is. Maybe I just need a break before finding a voice again.

What I do know is it's baseball season. And Spring is here. And that  makes me happy.

Another week in the life

Last weekend, C-man had a middle school quad on Saturday and tournament on Sunday. He hadn't wrestled or really practiced for 2 weeks because of this elbow, and it was still really hurting. He made it through, but barely. The third period of the last match was excruciating - for him and me.

Because of Sunday, we pulled him from the Tuesday dual and Saturday's conference tournament. He is so upset and angry. But I can't justify letting him wrestle and hurting himself further, especially when there are team points on the line. And this way, he's got another week to try to heal before Regionals, which is his opportunity to try to get to State. I think he's slowly coming to terms with that reality, but certainly doesn't like it.

Personally, I've been having a really hard time with this season. C-man loves it so much - the most of all his sports, and it has taught him so many great things. But the physical portion of it, the intensity of coaches, the constant gruel of it, the disappointment when someone loses, the tears, and (of course) the injuries - have all worn on me this year and I'm having a really hard time seeing why we shouldn't just call it quits. But, as I constantly remind myself, it isn't at all about me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to smile really big when it's baseball season again.

FYI - I painted this podium this year.

Knock, knock - is anyone still out there?

• Google has done this dumb thing where they make you register with G Suite to renew your domain. Since I didn't register, I don't know my username and password, so can't re-up it. So, so dumb. So I'm back to a blogspot.com address, and congrats for finding me!
• Last weekend was all wrestling, but not for C-man. But C-man had a total blast.
• Speaking of C-man, his elbow is still sprained. He's got 2 tournaments this weekend, and then next weekend is conference, and the weekend after Regionals. He's going to have to play through quite a bit of pain these coming weeks, because he's out of time for it to heal. I am thankful he's had the two week window without tournaments, though. Hopefully that helps things.
• There was no coffee in the house this morning. I'd call it a first world problem, except even in third world countries they have great coffee. It was a crisis.
• My back is holding up fairly well since it got all shot up with drugs last week. The doctor was quite hopeful this would be a one-time thing. It's hard to have that much hope, but that would be wonderful.
• Which isn't to say I'm pain-free. I still have all the arthritis nonsense, fused L4 and L5, and leg pain. But man, getting rid of that glaringly painful one is a delight.
• It's only Wednesday and I'm already tired of this week. Sigh.

Chasing my own tail

I just can't seem to pull it all together lately. Between the doctor's appointments and work and C-man's after-school stuff and Beerman traveling some, it's been nuts. It's like I'm totally chasing my own tail, and I hate that feeling. And it's not going to be any better this weekend. Sigh. I need a vacation.

How is it only Tuesday

• I ate almost an entire sleeve of Lemonade cookies over 2 days. Damnit.
• I was marveling at an older lady in the store the other day and how well put together she was. I really aspire to be that way.
• But then I remember I'm the total mess who wears superhero t-shirts and ate a sleeve of Lemonade cookies. Probably not going to happen in this lifetime.
• The "kids" who worked for me way back in Boy Scout camp have found me on Facebook. It sort of ruined my vision of them not aging when I see them with kids and lives of their own. But still adorable to know where they are now.
• On the good side of things, seeing the sun has been glorious. I've really missed the sun.

Ugh. We're doing that again.

• C-man didn't wrestle this weekend. His arm was still hurting him, and I didn't think being the Laconia champ would make much of a difference in our lives long-term. He still went to cheer on the team, though.
• Beerman and I gloriously stayed home and got housework done. I mean, I actually washed the outside of my house windows. In February! What an unbelievable gift this weekend was.
• Not to mention, Beasley got walked a bit since the weather was so fantastic, which was good for both of us.
• The cookie pushers showed up with their Girl Scout cookies today. Jerks. I've got to give these things away. Fast. Today's a high pain day. So having cookies in front of me is a bad thing.
• No wrestling meets this week. Well, except for high school state which is for 3 straight days. Just what I always wanted to do.
• Here's to making it through the week!

That match that almost made me throw up

Last night, we went to West Milwaukee for C-man to wrestle with the middle school. At about 20 seconds into the first period, he got an injury timeout. His right arm was hurting, and he had tears. The coach talked to him for a bit, and then sent him back out where C-man fought hard, but was down 2-4. It felt like he was being manhandled much worse than the score showed, but he wasn't getting scored on.

In the second period, they fought for a bit, and C-man got put to his back. I was sure he was pinned at least 3 times. But I saw a moment when he decided he wasn't going to go down, and he fought hard, crunching up so the guy couldn't get his back down. For about 1:20, that kid fought.

Then it was time for the third period. His arm was clearly hurting him bad, and he couldn't pull the kid around with his right hand. He got put to his back again, nearly being pinned again. But then the kid got a little too high, the coach shouted, "To your left!" and C-man amazingly flipped around and got on top.

The team and the crowd went absolutely wild. After all this time of nobody thinking he was going to make it, he was on top.

His coach yelled for him to look up to put more pressure on the other kid. But being in the third period after having spent most of his time fighting off being pinned, there was no smile this time.

And then he flipped him over fully, and the ref's hand came down with a loud whomp.

I didn't know whether to cheer or throw up.

And he was hurt, exhausted, and just spent, barely making it through the team's congratulatory lineup. The determination on this kid is ridiculous. I was so proud of him for not giving it up, especially after we'd just talked on Tuesday about how bad kids feel when they realize they gave up.

A little while later, C-man said the pain was not subsiding in his elbow, and he heard a crack when it started to hurt. Being experienced in these matters, I took him straight to urgent care for some x-rays at his request. Preliminary results are a sprained elbow, and he's in a sling, but no break. (We high fived about that - he was just sick with anticipation of the results) He's supposed to wrestle on Sunday, but we'll see. The good news is he now has a 2 week break from middle school wrestling, and since high school state is next weekend, he won't wrestle then either.

So here's to determination and healing!