March 24, 2017

What to do

I don't know what to do with this blog. Google took away my ability to buy its domain, so I'm back to a blogspot address. And I'm getting tired of people thinking they know about my and my family's life while taking no real active interest in it simply because they read about something in it online. Add to it that I'm truly not loving putting everything about myself and my family out there any longer, and it just leaves me in limbo.

Could I write about sitting alone in that cold waiting room in a scratchy gown open to the front while a too loud House Flippers was on TV as I blankly flipped through a Christmas issue of Good Housekeeping while I waited to find out if my callback mammogram was the ultimate in horrible news? (It ended up being nothing) Yes. But, I don't really feel like it.

Could I describe the agony of seeing my kid endure a painful elbow injury these last few weeks and have him knowingly lie to us about how bad it is just because he wants to wrestle? Yes. But now that he's 12, I feel like it betrays him in some really personal way.

Could I talk about explaining to a surgeon that he shouldn't compare shooting those painkillers into my vertebra to a beesting, because I'm fairly familiar with beestings, and this was definitely not as good? Could I lament about chronic pain and how it takes absolutely everything within me to not sink to the lowest depths that it wants me to? Yes. But who wants to hear about that?

Could I write funny anecdotes about my kid having a phone for 2 days before he broke it? How the child finished his Regionals tournament in 4th place and promptly took down a 16 ounce steak immediately after, much to the disbelief of the waitstaff? About all the funny jokes we tell and laughs we share? Yes. But they're starting to feel too personal these days.

So I don't know what to do with this space. Maybe it's just time to move on and leave it as the history it is. Maybe I just need a break before finding a voice again.

What I do know is it's baseball season. And Spring is here. And that  makes me happy.

March 9, 2017

Another week in the life

Last weekend, C-man had a middle school quad on Saturday and tournament on Sunday. He hadn't wrestled or really practiced for 2 weeks because of this elbow, and it was still really hurting. He made it through, but barely. The third period of the last match was excruciating - for him and me.

Because of Sunday, we pulled him from the Tuesday dual and Saturday's conference tournament. He is so upset and angry. But I can't justify letting him wrestle and hurting himself further, especially when there are team points on the line. And this way, he's got another week to try to heal before Regionals, which is his opportunity to try to get to State. I think he's slowly coming to terms with that reality, but certainly doesn't like it.

Personally, I've been having a really hard time with this season. C-man loves it so much - the most of all his sports, and it has taught him so many great things. But the physical portion of it, the intensity of coaches, the constant gruel of it, the disappointment when someone loses, the tears, and (of course) the injuries - have all worn on me this year and I'm having a really hard time seeing why we shouldn't just call it quits. But, as I constantly remind myself, it isn't at all about me. It doesn't mean I'm not going to smile really big when it's baseball season again.

FYI - I painted this podium this year.

March 1, 2017

Knock, knock - is anyone still out there?

  • Google has done this dumb thing where they make you register with G Suite to renew your domain. Since I didn't register, I don't know my username and password, so can't re-up it. So, so dumb. So I'm back to a address, and congrats for finding me!
  • Last weekend was all wrestling, but not for C-man. But C-man had a total blast.
  • Speaking of C-man, his elbow is still sprained. He's got 2 tournaments this weekend, and then next weekend is conference, and the weekend after Regionals. He's going to have to play through quite a bit of pain these coming weeks, because he's out of time for it to heal. I am thankful he's had the two week window without tournaments, though. Hopefully that helps things.
  • There was no coffee in the house this morning. I'd call it a first world problem, except even in third world countries they have great coffee. It was a crisis.
  • My back is holding up fairly well since it got all shot up with drugs last week. The doctor was quite hopeful this would be a one-time thing. It's hard to have that much hope, but that would be wonderful.
  • Which isn't to say I'm pain-free. I still have all the arthritis nonsense, fused L4 and L5, and leg pain. But man, getting rid of that glaringly painful one is a delight.
  • It's only Wednesday and I'm already tired of this week. Sigh.

February 23, 2017

Chasing my own tail

I just can't seem to pull it all together lately. Between the doctor's appointments and work and C-man's after-school stuff and Beerman traveling some, it's been nuts. It's like I'm totally chasing my own tail, and I hate that feeling. And it's not going to be any better this weekend. Sigh. I need a vacation.

February 21, 2017

How is it only Tuesday

  • I ate almost an entire sleeve of Lemonade cookies over 2 days. Damnit.
  • I was marveling at an older lady in the store the other day and how well put together she was. I really aspire to be that way.
  • But then I remember I'm the total mess who wears superhero t-shirts and ate a sleeve of Lemonade cookies. Probably not going to happen in this lifetime.
  • The "kids" who worked for me way back in Boy Scout camp have found me on Facebook. It sort of ruined my vision of them not aging when I see them with kids and lives of their own. But still adorable to know where they are now.
  • On the good side of things, seeing the sun has been glorious. I've really missed the sun.

February 20, 2017

Ugh. We're doing that again.

  • C-man didn't wrestle this weekend. His arm was still hurting him, and I didn't think being the Laconia champ would make much of a difference in our lives long-term. He still went to cheer on the team, though.
  • Beerman and I gloriously stayed home and got housework done. I mean, I actually washed the outside of my house windows. In February! What an unbelievable gift this weekend was.
  • Not to mention, Beasley got walked a bit since the weather was so fantastic, which was good for both of us.
  • The cookie pushers showed up with their Girl Scout cookies today. Jerks. I've got to give these things away. Fast. Today's a high pain day. So having cookies in front of me is a bad thing.
  • No wrestling meets this week. Well, except for high school state which is for 3 straight days. Just what I always wanted to do.
  • Here's to making it through the week!

February 17, 2017

That match that almost made me throw up

Last night, we went to West Milwaukee for C-man to wrestle with the middle school. At about 20 seconds into the first period, he got an injury timeout. His right arm was hurting, and he had tears. The coach talked to him for a bit, and then sent him back out where C-man fought hard, but was down 2-4. It felt like he was being manhandled much worse than the score showed, but he wasn't getting scored on.

In the second period, they fought for a bit, and C-man got put to his back. I was sure he was pinned at least 3 times. But I saw a moment when he decided he wasn't going to go down, and he fought hard, crunching up so the guy couldn't get his back down. For about 1:20, that kid fought.

Then it was time for the third period. His arm was clearly hurting him bad, and he couldn't pull the kid around with his right hand. He got put to his back again, nearly being pinned again. But then the kid got a little too high, the coach shouted, "To your left!" and C-man amazingly flipped around and got on top.

The team and the crowd went absolutely wild. After all this time of nobody thinking he was going to make it, he was on top.

His coach yelled for him to look up to put more pressure on the other kid. But being in the third period after having spent most of his time fighting off being pinned, there was no smile this time.

And then he flipped him over fully, and the ref's hand came down with a loud whomp.

I didn't know whether to cheer or throw up.

And he was hurt, exhausted, and just spent, barely making it through the team's congratulatory lineup. The determination on this kid is ridiculous. I was so proud of him for not giving it up, especially after we'd just talked on Tuesday about how bad kids feel when they realize they gave up.

A little while later, C-man said the pain was not subsiding in his elbow, and he heard a crack when it started to hurt. Being experienced in these matters, I took him straight to urgent care for some x-rays at his request. Preliminary results are a sprained elbow, and he's in a sling, but no break. (We high fived about that - he was just sick with anticipation of the results) He's supposed to wrestle on Sunday, but we'll see. The good news is he now has a 2 week break from middle school wrestling, and since high school state is next weekend, he won't wrestle then either.

So here's to determination and healing!