May 11, 2018
It's been one of those non-stop rain days. One of those days when there's no denying the impact arthritis has on my life. But today, I'm grateful. Because I did not have to get up with the sun to feed the dog, get myself ready in some presentable clothes that didn't send my skin aching further, and head out for an entire day of pretending to not be in complete agony. I didn't have to put a forced grin on my face, that I know in reality is more of a grimace than anything resembling a grin. I didn't have to try to listen intently to something inane I didn't care about over this noisy pain. I didn't HAVE to do anything at all.
Instead, I slept a bit longer than usual. I hugged my dog a little bit more. And while I puttered around the house getting some of the usual cleaning stuff done, I didn't feel bad about watching two Longmire episodes instead of just that laundry folding one. And so, I know I need to head out to get a birthday gift and a Bar Mitzvah card for C-man's busy life, it doesn't feel overwhelming.
So, so grateful. And so thankful for this time. It really is healing me in so many ways.
at 2:57 PM
May 4, 2018
Forty-two. So I'm turning forty-two tomorrow. I haven't been around this blog for quite a while. I guess it's because I'd found myself in a bit of a bad place during my 41. But as I turn left around the sun for another spin, it feels like I'm launching out of that downward spiral, and am instead rocketing toward some pretty significant happiness.
I suppose that means I'm saying things are different these days. In a really positive way. A giant difference is that I'm not working anymore. It's a long story, as these things tend to be. But let's suffice it to say that I just couldn't do it anymore. And what should have been so scary, leaping out into the abyss with my safety net, was really such a relief. It's been a giant exhalation of all that was bad to not have to pretend to successfully manage a professional life and living with arthritis at the same time. Because no matter how hard I wanted to deny it, the lack of sleep, the constant pain, and the having to deal with acting as if it didn't exist was just too much to handle. So now, C-man loves his daily meet-ups at recess with Beasley and me as we pass by on one of our delightful walks, Beasley loves his cuddle naps from 2-3 pm each day, and my house has never had less clutter and been more freshly painted. And I don't have to hear anyone discuss leveraging, optimizing, or actualizing a damn thing.
So what now? That's often the question one has in these uncertain times. What am I going to do next? Except right now, I don't feel that incredible pressure to be something, and to have a response to that ridiculous, "What do you do?" question. (I've never quite understood how my employer's job description of me is who I am, by the way. As if out of all the options in life, how I pay my mortgage is the most critical component of the essence of me.) In short, I guess I don't know the answer to what now. Except that I'm finding happiness and gratitude again, and a really peaceful feeling that I'm sure it'll all be okay. It's been amazing to finally be able to feel however I feel at that moment without pretending the pain and brain fog that arthritis brings isn't real. And I'm finding an incredible gratitude in having a safety net and support system to help me through it all. People who are truly there in the moment when it's been needed most. And those who haven't, well, that's been enlightening, too. But I suppose that's a subject for another post on another day.
So 42 is coming. According to the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, 42 is the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything. (Thanks, Boy Scout camp counselors for making me watch that at least a half a dozen times in the summer of 1999. I didn't realize it'd mean so much 19 years later...) And it just might be true.
Here's to 42 and all of it's glorious uncertainty ahead.
at 4:25 PM
August 30, 2017
Baseball is over. Camps are complete. The locker is stuffed and organized. C-man stepped in an angry ground yellow jacket's nest. (He got about a dozen or so stings, and he reacted much like I do, not like his Dad does, thankfully. At least he got that part of me?) And the second football scrimmage is tonight. I don't care what the calendar says, it's officially Fall. And time continues to march on.
at 2:24 PM
May 5, 2017
Today's my birthday. I'm 41.
My house is a total mess. My inbox is overflowing. And at about 10 a.m. I realized I'd forgotten to brush my teeth.
You know how when you're a kid you think grown ups know what they're doing? Yeah. Not so much.
So every year I have goals and aspirations. This year's goal is more of a direction - happiness. I can do this.
at 2:27 PM
May 4, 2017
May 3, 2017
- It's Hump Day. Or more importantly... Almost Birthday.
- C-man and Beerman have a game tonight. It's cold and windy. I'll be dressing like it's winter so I don't shiver my way through it.
- Saturday is our annual game at Helfaer field. I'm organizing everything again. But it's been like pulling teeth to get parents to respond with their kids' walkup songs. Honestly, how hard is it to respond to an email? It's not like you have to do anything else all year! Argh.
- I've been researching places to go on a trip next year. Right now I'm kind of leaning Kenya. Then again, that could change four times before we actually make any real plans.
- I also want to get us dive certified this summer. Since C-man isn't in any casts yet, I should get on that.
- The pain killer shots I got in my spine back in February seem to be wearing off. That's really a drag. The doctor was hopeful it'd be enough to move the inflammation out for good. Guess not.
- I think C-man's cold is finally breaking up a bit. He slept better last night and has been coughing less. Of course, then he gets to spend the night playing baseball in the elements. One step forward...
- Have I mentioned it's Almost Birthday?
at 10:58 AM
April 30, 2017
Yesterday was the Nationals first day back on the field. It was cold and windy, and it totally miserable. And despite C-man saying he was sad it's baseball and not wrestling season, and Beerman being nervous as the head coach, I was thrilled. I had no fear that he'd get his face ground into the mat, and knew I'd be watching two of my favorites in one of my favorite sports. So awesome.
C-man went 1-1 in the stats sheet, since the second at bat he got hit with a wild pitch. And he caught quite a bit of the game, which is his favorite. The Nats lost, but there's some decent potential there for the future, which makes me happy. Ahhh... baseball.
at 11:26 AM