May 5, 2017
Today's my birthday. I'm 41.
My house is a total mess. My inbox is overflowing. And at about 10 a.m. I realized I'd forgotten to brush my teeth.
You know how when you're a kid you think grown ups know what they're doing? Yeah. Not so much.
So every year I have goals and aspirations. This year's goal is more of a direction - happiness. I can do this.
at 2:27 PM
May 4, 2017
May 3, 2017
- It's Hump Day. Or more importantly... Almost Birthday.
- C-man and Beerman have a game tonight. It's cold and windy. I'll be dressing like it's winter so I don't shiver my way through it.
- Saturday is our annual game at Helfaer field. I'm organizing everything again. But it's been like pulling teeth to get parents to respond with their kids' walkup songs. Honestly, how hard is it to respond to an email? It's not like you have to do anything else all year! Argh.
- I've been researching places to go on a trip next year. Right now I'm kind of leaning Kenya. Then again, that could change four times before we actually make any real plans.
- I also want to get us dive certified this summer. Since C-man isn't in any casts yet, I should get on that.
- The pain killer shots I got in my spine back in February seem to be wearing off. That's really a drag. The doctor was hopeful it'd be enough to move the inflammation out for good. Guess not.
- I think C-man's cold is finally breaking up a bit. He slept better last night and has been coughing less. Of course, then he gets to spend the night playing baseball in the elements. One step forward...
- Have I mentioned it's Almost Birthday?
at 10:58 AM
April 30, 2017
Yesterday was the Nationals first day back on the field. It was cold and windy, and it totally miserable. And despite C-man saying he was sad it's baseball and not wrestling season, and Beerman being nervous as the head coach, I was thrilled. I had no fear that he'd get his face ground into the mat, and knew I'd be watching two of my favorites in one of my favorite sports. So awesome.
C-man went 1-1 in the stats sheet, since the second at bat he got hit with a wild pitch. And he caught quite a bit of the game, which is his favorite. The Nats lost, but there's some decent potential there for the future, which makes me happy. Ahhh... baseball.
at 11:26 AM
April 18, 2017
The thing about chronic pain is, well, it's chronic. It never goes away. It's always there, like a dark, lingering force fighting you from the inside day and night. And it never gets tired. But that doesn't mean I don't. Quite the opposite, really, because I'm in a constant state of exhaustion. I have good days and bad days. But don't ever confuse that with painful and not painful days. They're all painful. No, I think the better term for it would be functioning and not-functioning. Because that's what it really is - days I can fake it, and days I just can't.
On my good days, I'm able to move and think more clearly and focus on the task at hand for periods of time. But that doesn't mean I'm not struggling. Because even on those good days, I am thinking about my posture and facial expression as I talk to you. 'Don't let it look like you're unhappy', 'Make sure to smile and nod a little', 'Try to look interested and don't betray that you really have to move or you're going to scream out in pain' are regular internal monologues. And all that internal battle, that constant fighting what's real and what people expect, is absolutely exhausting. Especially when what people expect is for you to be still and quiet and attentive for long periods of time. But in addition to being exhausting, it's painful. So painful, that by the end of the day, when I collapse into bed, there is no sweet relief of sleep, because sleep cannot come. I hurt too much, you see, for my body to ever hit that restful state.
And on my bad days, well, it's just worse.
Explaining this doesn't change anything. And really, it doesn't make me feel any better. So I'm not sure why I feel compelled to talk about it today. I think maybe it's because, despite my swollen, red hands, today might be one of those rare functioning days. Something I haven't experienced for a while.
But the sun is shining. And Spring is here. And my coffee is hot. And for that, I'll be thankful.
at 10:11 AM