Smiles

My kid smiles a lot.  Blame it on his personality.  Blame it on his good life.  Blame it on the fact that I diligently ate chocolate every day while pregnant (Studies prove this to be true. Don't believe me? Because I took that study to heart!) But everyone notices it.  And it's such a beautiful thing. Everyone loves a smiler.

So imagine my surprise when during my monthly rheumatologist visit today, I was told to stop smiling.  "I don't know how you're feeling if you fake it all the time." Which really shocked me.  Because what else am I supposed to do? Frown constantly? Sob everywhere I go?  I've actually been concerned that I haven't been happy enough lately - always focusing on the bad crap happening inside me. Always thinking about how tired I am and the things I can't do in my day. Always worried how I'm shortchanging my family because I just can't physically do what I need to.  So it was really shocking to be told my outside isn't matching my inside.

Because to be honest, the inside is pretty crappy.

So far, the medication hasn't done anything but make me sicker, so now I'm moving on to get IV infusions of more poison starting next week. When I went to a shrink the other day, desperate for any sort of relief from anywhere I can get it, I got a lot of silent "understanding" nods and more misunderstanding about what I'm actually going through. (Further confirming my previous thoughts about shrinks, but that's an entirely different post!)  And I'm just completely exhausted.

To admit that to the world makes me sad; mad even. Because we all know how admired those who face adversity with a positive spin are.  But I don't know how to be that way, because on the inside I feel completely "crumbly" (C-man's description).

Living with chronic pain is draining. I feel robbed of a normal life, of who I could be for my family, of the family I should have but can't because of this.  I feel like I'm fading away into the background, and what's worse is I'm okay with it because it's too difficult to do anything else.

So instead, I try to smile. Not because I'm strong, because I'm not.  But because I'm just going to fake it 'til I make it. I just wish that "make it" day would hurry up and get here.